“Ronnie, I am sick and tired of these greedy capitalist pigs. All they think about is profit, profit, profit. They don’t care nuthin’ about the little people. This world would be 100 times better off without capitalism.”
Ronnie smiled and shook his head in sort of an “aw, shucks” manner. “I don’t know about that, Bo.”
Bo wasn’t listening. “Well, I think you and me ought to get away from it, Ronnie. How about it? Let’s go get us a home out in the wilderness. Pristine air, clean water, no pollution…away from capitalism and all the evil it’s caused.”
Still a little skeptical, Ronnie responded, “Gee, Bo, that’s a big step.”
“Aw, c’mon, Ronnie. You been a rancher. You know how to live off the land. Sure would be nice to get away from all this greed and poverty that capitalism has caused. Let’s do it.”
“Well, ok, Bo, if that’s what you really want….”
So, in a few days, out in the beautiful prairie, Bo and Ronnie stood in front of their new home, a wood-framed structure well over 200 years old. Bo smiled, nodded, looking around him. “Yeah. This is it, Ronnie.” He took a deep breath through his nose. “Just get a whiff of that air. No pollution whatsoever.” He waved his hand, and all-encompassing gesture. “No factories. No noise. No city clutter. No cars mucking up the air. You can’t get any better than this, Ronnie.”
“I suppose so, Bo.”
“Let’s go inside our new home, Ronnie, I’m anxious to see it.”
So Bo and Ronnie walked up the two steps and into the house. “Kinda dusty,” Bo said, as he stood in the living room looking around. “But we’ll clean ‘er up, spic an’ span. Right, Ronnie?”
“Whatever you say, Bo.”
“Uh, it’s kinda dark in here, Ronnie. Can you turn on the lights?” Bo asked.
“Bo, there’s, uh, there’s no electric lights.”
Bo looked at Ronnie like he was crazy. “No electric lights? What do you mean, ‘no electric lights’”?
“Electric lights are a product of capitalism, Bo. We’re getting away from that, remember? Actually, we don’t have any electricity at all.”
“What? No electricity?”
“Another product of capitalistic greed, Bo. Sorry, no TV, no computers, no Internet, no electric stove, or washing machine, toaster, refrigerator….”
“But…General Electric…the utilities companies…they’re just greedy…all they care about is profits…” Bo stammered.
“Well, I reckon maybe that’s true, Bo, but we still don’t have any electricity, lights, fridge….”
“This is outrageous,” Bo shouted. “Give me your cell phone, Ronnie, I’m going to call my Congressman.”
“No cell phone, Bo. Capitalism. In fact, no telephone at all.”
“No telephone?”
“No telephone.”
“Capitalism?”
“Capitalism.”
“But what if I get sick and need a doctor? What if I need an operation?”
“Well, I guess I’ll have to do that. It will be kinda painful, I suppose, but we can stick this bullet between your teeth to keep you from breaking them when you grit in pain. It’s called ‘biting the bullet’. And if you do break one of your teeth, well, I got a pair of pliers we can use to pull it out. No Novocain, of course, that’s part of capitalism, but it’ll work.”
Bo was shaken up a bit, but he gained his composure. “Well, we…we’ll make do, Ronnie. I’m getting hungry. Can you run to the store and get us something to eat?”
“No car, Bo.”
“No car??”
“Capitalism, Bo. Plus, we don’t want to be driving around in one of those polluters anyway, do we? Giving profits to the oil companies?” Ronnie smiled.
“Well, yeah. Yeah, that’s right, bro. Greedy oil companies…”
“No Chevy Volt, either, Bo. Remember. No electricity. Electric companies contribute to global warming anyway. Got to save the polar bears.”
That seemed to disturb Bo a little. “But how am I gonna watch the NBA or the Super Bowl or CNN or MSNBC…?”
Ronnie just smiled and shrugged. “We’d just be giving profits to the electric company. I’ll head to town. I’ll take my horse. It will take me a few hours to get there and back, though.”
“Yeah, ok, you do that. Incidentally, where’s the john? This house don’t seem to have a bathroom.”
Ronnie pointed towards the back door. “There’s a little shed out there, Bo. The door has a half-moon on it….”
“But it’s cold out there, Ronnie. I’ll freeze my…”
“Here’s you a few corn cobs for when you’re finished, Bo.”
“Corn cobs? No toilet paper?”
“Capitalism, Bo.”
That made Bo mad. “No toilet paper. I don’t believe capitalism…” Then he reached over and yanked the Bible that Ronnie carried away from him. “Gimme that worthless book. Bunch a’ redneck hicks are the only people that believe that mythology any more. Good grief, if we could get the religious kooks out of the country, just think of how progressive we’d all be. I’ll use some of this paper in the Bible when I go outside…”
Just then, there was knock on the door. Bo opened it and two men, from somewhere down south, pointed a gun at him and said, in a strange accent, “Give us your dinero, amigo.” He cackled. “We cross your border while you gripe about bank.”
Bo was shocked. “But…but…but….” He looked at Ronnie in desperation. “I just pulled all my money out of the bank, Ronnie, because banks are so greedy and don’t care about the people. I got over a millions dollars here.”
“Where did you get all that money, Bo?”
“I wrote a book. Sold it. Lots of people bought it.”
“Oh, I see. Selling a book. That had nothing to do with capitalism, did it.”
“Of course not. I wrote my book to help people, I had to make a little money to cover my time, costs, living expenses, etc.”
Ronnie just smiled and shrugged. “I understand. Like all the good folks in Hollywood just want to entertain people. No greed there, is there. Well, you better give that money to those robbers, Bo. The bank can’t help you now.”
So, with the gun pointed at him, Bo had no choice but to give the thieves his money. As they were running off, Bo shouted at them, “Hey, haven’t you ever heard of ‘Thou shalt not steal.’ It’s right here in the Bible,” he said, waving it at them.
Ronnie said to him, “You can use the page that says that when you go out back, Bo.”
Bo gave him a sarcastic expression. “It’s cold in here, Ronnie. Turn on the heat, will you?”
“No electricity, Bo.”
“Then turn on the gas!”
“No gas, Bo. Product of capitalism. We can’t drill for oil on our land, either.”
“Why not?”
Ronnie shrugged. “Something to do with the environment…”
Exasperated, Bo replied, “Well, then, what are we going to do for heat?”
“There’s an axe out in the barn. You cut your own firewood…”
“A fire? I don’t know how to start a fire…well, now, wait a minute. Yes, I do. I’ve started a few before…But that will take a long time. What are we going to do for food?”
“We grow our own, Bo.”
Bo nodded, seemingly satisfied. “That’s ok. Tomorrow you can get on the tractor and plow some land.”
“No tractor, Bo.”
“No tractor?”“Capitalism.”
“Then how we gonna grow food?”
“You have to work out here, Bo. Strange concept, I know. You can get behind the iron plow. I’ll hitch the ox up for you.”
“You have to work out here, Bo. Strange concept, I know. You can get behind the iron plow. I’ll hitch the ox up for you.”
“Iron plow? Ox? Oh, man, this is more than I can handle. I’m gettin’ thirsty. Where’s the water faucet?”
“No water faucet, Bo.”
“Capitalism?”
“Capitalism.”
“Well, where are we going to get water?”
“There’s a shovel in the barn, too. We can dig a well, put in a pump.”
“But I want a shower.”
“No shower. Capitalism. But, you can have a bath. We can build a fire and heat the water…”
“Yeah, a fire. I’m cold. I need some warmer clothes.”
“Well, we’ll have to go kill some animals. Maybe a deer or buffalo. Or a cow. Skin it. Make our own clothes.”
“Kill animals? Sk-skin them? Blood? Make our own clothes?”
“No manufacturing, Bo. We’re getting away from capitalism, remember?”
“Ronnie, I’m hungry. Can’t I call out for a pizza?”
“Sorry, Bo, remember, no phone. No Pizza Hut. Greedy, capitalistic pig company. Doesn’t want to help people, just wants to make a profit. Unlike you. Probably doesn’t pay more than millions of dollars a year in taxes, either.”
“But, Ronnie, we’ll be living in poverty like this.”
“Yeah. Just like about 95% of the population of the world did. Before capitalism. Oh, and one more thing, Bo.”
“What’s that, Ronnie? How could it be any worse? No fridge, no TV, no MP3 player, no IPod, no electricity, no running water, no heat, no food…”
“Yeah, but we’ll be farmers, Bo. Agriculture. Just like almost everybody before capitalism. And you know what else that means, Bo?”
“What, Ronnie?”
Ronnie smiled, his “aw, shucks” smile again. “Slavery…”